Fortune Cookie Texts

AntMag.NET

Alright, so you're diving into Shadow Warrior 3 and probably wondering about all those little messages you get. Well, this section is all about the fortune cookie texts you'll find scattered throughout the games. They're a classic part of the series, offering some pretty wild, funny, and sometimes surprisingly dark humor. Think of them as little easter eggs from the developers.

We've got the full rundown for you, covering the original Shadow Warrior Classic, the 2013 reboot, and even Shadow Warrior 2. You'll find everything from Lo Wang's own brand of wisdom to some truly bizarre pronouncements. Some of these are genuinely laugh-out-loud funny, while others are just plain weird. Keep an eye out for them as you blast your way through hordes of demons – they're a fun little reward for paying attention!

Classic

"Sorry, you no win this time, try again."
"Baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk."
"No man is island, except Lo Wang."
"You should kill all business associates."
"You should not scratch yourself there."
"Man who stand on toilet, high on pot."
"Man who buy drowned cat pay for wet pussy."
"Don't you know you the scum of society?!"
"Man trapped in pantry has ass in jam."
"You never going to score."
"You try harder get along. Be a nice man."
"26-31-43-82-16-29"
"Your chi attracts many chicks."
"Man who fart in church sit in own pew."
"It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and got syphilis"
"There is much death in future."
"(c)1997, 3DRealms fortune cookie company."
"Courtesy is contagious. So is Gonorrhea"
"Having sex is like playing bridge, If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs at you."
"No one ever died from a broken heart. But a heart sliced from their chest while they looked on screaming? Not gonna lie. That's killed a couple people."
"ERROR 404 - FORTUNE NOT FOUND"

Shadow Warrior (2013)

"Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. Music is the best." - FZ
"No one ever died of a broken heart. But a heart sliced from their chest while they look on screaming? Not gonna lie. That's killed a couple people."
"No Wang is an island."
"A Wang in the hand is worth two in the bush."
"You will stop procrastinating. Later."
"Cardboard belt is a waist of paper."
"The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is all a matter of taste."
"Having sex is like playing Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a great hand."
"Some days you're the pigeon. Other days you're the statue. Today is more of a statue day."
"You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs at you."
"That's what ki said."
"The good news: you're not paranoid. The bad news: everyone is actually trying to kill you."
"Ingredients: wheat, sugar, lysergic acid diethylamide, yellow #5."
"Small cookies bring great joy."
"It is better to have loved and lost than to have had loved and gotten syphilis."
"Cookie monster wasn't here."

Shadow Warrior 2

001. "A red face hides an unblemished bottom."
002. "Karma's a bitch. Dogma, however, is a wildcat in the sack."
003. "Wangs out for Harambe."
004. "Running a daycare is like going to prison. Your first day on the yard, walk up to the meanest mother out there and punch her in the mouth. No one messes with you after that."
005. "Life is a Wang way street."
006. "Not to point fingers, but 'only a Sith deals in absolutes' is itself an absolute."
007. "Everything in moderation, including everything, in moderation, including everything, in moderation."
008. "This fortune is untrue."
009. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try accepting that you're a failure."
010. "'If something is worth doing, it's worth doing slowly.' - Mae West"
011. "When you come to a fork in the road, take it. Preferably to dinner."
012. "No man is an island, but some woman are isthmuses."
013. "There are no 'i' in 'kill you so hard in the face'. There are two 'i's."
014. "Once a Wang, always a Wang."
015. "Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chun tonight. Wait. Strike that. Reverse it."
016. "'High-conflict individual' is fancy-speak for 'dickwad'."
017. "Opinions are like assholes. If you have more than one, things are going to get messy."
018. "Assholes are like opinions. They're full of crap and people find the noises they make funny."
019. "Never send a stoat to do a vole's job."
020. "Getting outside your comfort zone is a great way to be really uncomfortable."
021. "A Wang is a terrible thing to waste."
022. "Show me a virtuous man and I'll show you someone who's trying too hard."
023. "I don't understand how insomniacs sleep at night."
024. "It's not the man in the fight. It's the fight in the man. And the full-auto rocket launcher the man is carrying."
025. "Civilization is just something that sounded like a good idea when God was drunk."
026. "TV is like sex. It gets turned on and it seems like something is happening, but everyone ends up disappointed. Then, at the end of the month, you get a bill."
027. "Religion is the opiate of the masses. Vicodin, on the other hand, is the opiate of the business class."
028. "Begging for mercy is futile. But very entertaining."
029. "What's best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women. Coming in close second: puppies."
030. "Raise my hand if you believe in psychokinesis."
031. "Confucius says it is impossible to sum up someone's life on a piece of paper."
032. "You will find a fortune cookie."
033. "Trapped in a videogame factory. Do not send help."
034. "He who makes a breast of himself relieves himself of the pain of being a Wang."
035. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall. You should be just fine, though."
036. "Time flies when you're grabbing nuns."
037. "Confucius says dressing like a nun is just a matter of getting back in the habit."
038. "Pro tip: many things are trying to kill you. Kill them before they do."
039. "Confucius says a great comic book collection is nature's birth control."
040. "Never try to teach a Wang to sing. It sounds terrible and annoys the Wang."
041. "Hang in there, baby!"
042. "'For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.' - H.L. Mencken"
043. "'Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.' - Truman Capote"
044. "'Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.' - Charles Bukowski"
045. "'Hey, what's with the cross, you guys? I said shove thy neighbor. Shove!' - Jesus"
046. "'Hey, what's in this stuff anyway?' - Socrates"
047. "'I figured it out, you guys. It's 'to be. _- Shakespeare_"
048. "'I don't hate people. I just feel better when they're not around.' - Charles Bukowski"
049. "'Never mistake motion for action.' - Ernest Hemingway"
050. "'Chaos is the score upon which reality is written.' - Henry Miller"
051. "'It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.' - Philip K. Dick"
052. "'The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.' - Douglas Adams"
053. "'I have never catered to the bullshit of innocence.' - Maurice Sendak"
054. "'Let's think the unthinkable, let's do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.' - Douglas Adams"
055. "'Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not understood.' - Henry Miller"
056. "'I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive.' - Henry Miller"
057. "'You have to die a few times before you can really live.' - Charles Bukowski"
058. "'The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.' - Charles Bukowski"
059. "'Find what you love and let it kill you.' - Charles Bukowski"
060. "'Those who escape hell never talk about it, and nothing much bothers them after that.' - Charles Bukowski"
061. "'Some people like what you do. Some people hate what you do. But most people simply not give a damn.' - Charles Bukowski"
062. "We a..."

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